We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
