He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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