girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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