i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize