Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
