there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
