i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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