Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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