According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
