Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
