just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize