Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize