you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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