Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
