A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
