My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
