I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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