i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
