I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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