just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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