come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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