Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
