we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
