Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
