sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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