My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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