I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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