Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
