the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
