I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
