I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize