Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
