duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
