and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
