theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
