Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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