Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
