On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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