I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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