I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
