I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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