You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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