Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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