I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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