You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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