Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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