I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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