I queefed so loud it echoed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
