It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
