how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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