see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
