Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
