can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
