how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
