i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
