Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize