they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
