woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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