sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
