Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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